So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This baby is an asshole
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
