Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
