Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He better not be in your backpack
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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