i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
