Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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