yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
