he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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