Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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