R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
