make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
