you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize