Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
