If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
