Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
