Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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