If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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