I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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