Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
