I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
