He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
