There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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