What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
