I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
