I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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