we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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