I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
