Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
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it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
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I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better