I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
