there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
