But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
