this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
