I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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