we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
