Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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