you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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