Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
