NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
