Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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