Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
