Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
