Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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