i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
