At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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