you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
