Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
