I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
