why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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