The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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