If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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