$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.