I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up