Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.