it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.