You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
