Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This is my gift to your gina
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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