I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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