sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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