does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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