happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
