Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
