Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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