so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
