luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
